Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Cracking Up?

Damn, I knew I was having issues but didn't realize how big until I cussed out the very unhelpful sales person at Nordstom's this afternoon. Guess it was a good thing I had an appointment with the shrink shortly following that little "incident".

Yep, I've been in this place before, the one I really don't want to be in. The one where I know all the things I should be doing but don't. Or better yet all the things I SHOULDN'T be doing but do.
-Yes, Mr Shrink, I know it's not a good idea to wash a benadryl down with my favorite cabernet but I needed to sleep.
-Nuh uh, I do know fritos, hoho's and a coke are not in the 4 basic food groups but it was all I had a taste for.
-Yeah, stomping up and down 2 flights of stairs in my house can't be considered exercise even though when people ask if I'm still running I respond "absolutely".
-Uh huh, I realize I'm probably going to hell for saying the "f" word to the chaplain but there wasn't any other adjective that adequately described the situation.

The shrink asked if I wanted to set up weekly appointments for a while. To which I immediately responded with a resounding "NO!" I'm not ready to talk about this stuff on a weekly basis. I'll probably get there but not right now. In the meantime I will stay away from the benadryl and the wonderful reds I have in the wine cabinet. Maybe I'll even take the puppy for a walk.

Monday, October 20, 2008

An Attempt to Vent

I can't even describe how tired I am. Tired after 4 days off. Tired because tomorrow I will get up far too early and return to hell. The days are running together and I can't remember a time when our patients weren't horrifically sick and dying left and right. I walk into work and at least one patient is mortally ill and not expected to recover. A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post on the Sandbox talking about one of those situations. It was truly "rip your heart out" devastating. AND the sad thing about it is that no one offered to help the staff. Nice.

I've wanted to write, to vent, but everytime I sit down to regurgitate this stuff I can't. It's too much of an effort to put words to these emotions. I feel as if I've lost one of my most valuable outlets for these work stressors. Last week I started having nightmares of disasters and dead bodies laying everywhere. This week isolation is the name of game and I don't talk to anyone. Mental health red flags waving I call the shrink and make an appointment.

It often seems when I am ready to talk there's no one to listen. When I need a shoulder to cry on or a hug everyone is busy doing other things. I'm tired and I wish every once in awhile someone was there for me.