Another patient died this morning. He arrived on this weekend's aerovac.
I'm tired.
I have spent the last two evenings escaping into sleep because I did not want to deal with anything and didn't want to think about anything. I have such rage inside me. I drove home from work today too fast for rainy day conditions. As I drove I alternated between being pissed off at the person in front of me for driving too slow and pissed off at the person behind me for following too close. Arriving home I slipped on my running gear and headed out but not even 45 minutes of a good, hard run followed by an hour long pilates class could dampen this rage burning inside me.
I have so many things to do at work and no one to share the load. Tonight I find myself not wanting to go back tomorrow, to call out sick, not show up, disappear for a day, anything but go back. But in the end I will crawl out of bed and return because there are too many who depend on me.
I want to talk but there is no one to listen. I walked down the hall with one of my former patients who asked me what was wrong and in telling him I was having a bad day I learned so was he. I learned his prothesis didn't fit right and his leg was hurting him. It's hard to complain about your bad day to a guy like that. But still I wanted to. I want to talk with someone who understands what it's like to take care of these guys and gals but I can't seem to find anyone. I want to scream "will someone just listen to ME? Will someone just help ME?"
I'm so tired.
This started out as letters home to my friends and family while I was at Hurricane Katrina, and continued through my deployment to Afghanistan. I have recently added my friend Clara Hart as a contributor. Now it very roughly chronicles life as a civilian, and citizen of the USA. If you need some assistance with Workplace Safety Programs, please let me know, I am happy to help.
2 comments:
We listen. We understand that what you do is no less important than what your soldiers do. I'm betting that they know it too. The soldier with the ill-fitting prosthesis recognized that you were running in degraded mode (sub-optimal). He was happy to have you to tell you what was wrong with his day that day; I'd bet a chocolate cake that he would have been happy to listen as well. He asked what was wrong.
"I'm having a bad day." is an invitation to play the "I can top that" game. "I lost a patient today." says what's wrong.
don was right. We all will listen. I wish I could come and give you a hug. Thank you for doing what you are doing.
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