Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Tired

Another patient died this morning. He arrived on this weekend's aerovac.

I'm tired.

I have spent the last two evenings escaping into sleep because I did not want to deal with anything and didn't want to think about anything. I have such rage inside me. I drove home from work today too fast for rainy day conditions. As I drove I alternated between being pissed off at the person in front of me for driving too slow and pissed off at the person behind me for following too close. Arriving home I slipped on my running gear and headed out but not even 45 minutes of a good, hard run followed by an hour long pilates class could dampen this rage burning inside me.

I have so many things to do at work and no one to share the load. Tonight I find myself not wanting to go back tomorrow, to call out sick, not show up, disappear for a day, anything but go back. But in the end I will crawl out of bed and return because there are too many who depend on me.

I want to talk but there is no one to listen. I walked down the hall with one of my former patients who asked me what was wrong and in telling him I was having a bad day I learned so was he. I learned his prothesis didn't fit right and his leg was hurting him. It's hard to complain about your bad day to a guy like that. But still I wanted to. I want to talk with someone who understands what it's like to take care of these guys and gals but I can't seem to find anyone. I want to scream "will someone just listen to ME? Will someone just help ME?"

I'm so tired.

2 comments:

Don said...

We listen. We understand that what you do is no less important than what your soldiers do. I'm betting that they know it too. The soldier with the ill-fitting prosthesis recognized that you were running in degraded mode (sub-optimal). He was happy to have you to tell you what was wrong with his day that day; I'd bet a chocolate cake that he would have been happy to listen as well. He asked what was wrong.
"I'm having a bad day." is an invitation to play the "I can top that" game. "I lost a patient today." says what's wrong.

Helen said...

don was right. We all will listen. I wish I could come and give you a hug. Thank you for doing what you are doing.